As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

Two potheads are busted for posession, booked, and brought before the judge. The judge looks over the paperwork and delivers his verdict: "Considering this is your first offence and the amount of marijuana seized is negligeble, I am willing to give you a break. There are two conditions however. First, you must clean up and submit to a voluntary test once every month for the next year. Second, you must talk to as many of your friends who do drugs as possible. You must convince at least one of them to give up for good. You must appear in this court a month from today and report on your successes. Do you understand the conditions of your release?" "Yes, your honor" they replied. They are released from custody immediately.

A month later they are back in court. "Well, have you two cleaned up as promised?" judge asks. "Yes, your honor, we did. We passed our first drug tests as well". "Good! Now for the second condition; have you talked to any of your friends and were you successfull in persuading them to quit drugs?" The first guy replies: "Yes, I talked to my friends and I convinced 10 of them to clean up". The judges smiles: "How were you able to convince them?" "Well, I had a help of the visual aide. I drew two circles, a small and a large one. I told them that a small circle represents their mind on drugs, and the large circle represents their mind without drugs." "Very well, how about you sir (points to the other guy), were you able to talk to any of your friends?" "Yes, your honor I did. I convinced about 200 people to quit drugs." Judge looks both surprised and impressed: "How were you able to pull the off?!" "Well, I've used a visual aide as well. I too drew two circles, a small and a large one. I told them that the small circle represents their a$$hole before prison"......

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming - "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

An F-15 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop'em, which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!, he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam"

Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Pi and e get into a fight, along comes 7 and says "hey, guys, let's all be rational"
A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry. "Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!"

"Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.

e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x"

diff.op.: "Hi, I'm d/dy"

If you took an infinite number of rednecks and an infinite number of STOP signs and had them shoot at them with an infinite number of shotguns, would you eventually get a work of Shakespeare in Braille?
Tip of the day:
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer craps little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t."

An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie. Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light

After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down . and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful, and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy..... you explain the kids.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies. . . . ."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return? "

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive well-endowed blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "what did she roll?" The other answered, "I have no idea, I thought YOU were watching.

taken from a slashdot discussion on Echelon, a communication monitoring system the US Govt. uses
(You see a bunch of guys dressed as Al-Qaeda, wandering through the wilderness...)

Can THEY hear me now?

Can THEY hear me now?

Can THEY hear--*BOOM* (Al-Qaeda guys are struck by missile.)

(Commercial fades to George Bush) Verizon. If you don't use it, the terrorists win.
  -Alcohol Fueled on /.

pessimist: The glass is half empty.
optimist: The glass is half full.
engineer: That glass is twice as big as it has to be.
(alternate engineer: That glass has 100% tolerance.)
For an optimist the glass is half full, for a pessimist it is half empty, for an engineer it's twice as big as it needs to be and for an CS major it's a Basic Input Output System (BIOS) with a buffer overflow just waiting to happen.
A man finds a lamp and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.

The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.

Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.

Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.
  -ndave (at) andrew (dot) cmu (dot) edu, et. al

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
This is a Unix email virus. It works on the honor system:
If you're running a variant of Unix, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random.
Thank you for your cooperation.
-by pjl @ patsoffice . com
2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ". The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf. They get behind a pair that is playing amazingly slow. After some time they realize that these two men are blind.

“What a sad way to spend one’s life,” said the priest. “I will say a prayer for them.”

“I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon,” said the doctor, “maybe I could get them some help.”

The engineer thought for a second, “Why don’t these guys play at night?”

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Statician are watching people going in and coming out of the building on the other side of the street. First they see two people going in - after awhile three people come out.

The Biologist concludes, "They're mating!"

The Statician says, "No, no, no - The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Mathematician says, "If someone else goes in, it'll be empty."

A farmer from the corn fields of Missouri dies and goes to hell. Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there are. He checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity.

So he goes to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer replies, "I like it here. It's just like plowing my fields in June."

Unhappy with the farmer's response, the devil goes back to his controls and turns the temperature up to 105 degrees and 90% humidity. After making the adjustment, the devil goes looking for the farmer.

Finding him just as happy as can be, the Devil frustratingly asks the farmer again why he's so happy. "This is even better now! It's like pulling weeds in the fields during July!" says the farmer.

The Devil, now quite upset and deciding to make the farmer really suffer, returns to his controls and cranks the! heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%.

"Now we'll see if that farmer is smiling!" he thinks as he goes looking for the farmer again.

Finding him sitting on the floor happy as ever, the Devil is madder than before. When he asks the farmer why he's happy now, the farmer answers, "This is great, it's just like driving the combine in August!"

That was enough for the Devil. Running back to his controls, he turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero. Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over. "Let's see what that farmer has to say about this," snickers the Devil to himself.

To his surprise, the Devil returns to find the farmer running around and jumping for joy, yelling at the top of his lungs: "The Chiefs won the SuperBowl! I can't believe it! The Chiefs won the SuperBowl!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says frantically, "You have to come over and help me. This jigsaw puzzle is driving me bonkers with all these little pieces."
Calm down," he says. "What's it supposed to be?"
"According to the picture on teh box, it's a talking tiger."
"A talking tiger? What's he saying?"
"'They're G-r-r-r-r-reat!'"

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls open

ed up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended upwith the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?

''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.

''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

A lawyer pulls over on the highway in his new BMW to check one of his tires that was feeling funny. Just as he opens the door, the car flys by and TEARS the door on his new BMW (Z3) right off the hinges. The lawyer just stands there in shock at his broken door and his new BMW. A concerned person pulls over in front and asks is everything alright.

The lawyer says, "NO! Some fvcktard just teared the door right off my new BMW and drove off." The person says, "You idiot, you're so concerned about your material posessions that you didn't even notice that he took your whole arm with it!!"

The lawyer looks down at his bloody stump for an arm and yells, "MY NEW ROLEX!!!"

Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and back yards they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards, where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, suddenly Billy started to scream and took off running for home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends, trying to catch him were soon left far behind. The next day, as they came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just afew minutes, Billy started screaming, and took off like a shot. On the third day, Johnny and Tommy agreed on a plan. They would be between Billy and home if he started to run, and they would find out what the problem was. Just as before, Billy could only look for a few minutes then he started to run for home. This time, Johnny and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. Well, I started to feel something getting awfully goddamn hard ..."
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: >> > "1" >> > "2" >> > "3" >> > "4" >> > "5" >> > At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, Well."

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH!"

"What fish?" The man asked.

This guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, he takes a seat at the bar and no sooner than he sits down the monkey runs over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball! The bartender is pissed so he kicks the guy out. The next week the same guy comes into the bar with the same monkey on his shoulder and sits down at the bar. No sooner does he sit down than the monkey jumps up, runs over to the relish tray on the bar, sticks an olive on his thumb and jams it up his ass. He pulls out the olive and eats it! Again the bartender is pissed and starts yelling at the guy, “What the hell do you think your doing?” “What is that monkey’s problem!” The guy calmly responds, “Well after the cue ball, he likes to measure everything first!”
Leadership : While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen." Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It¹s me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"